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"All happy relationships are similar and all unhappy relationships are also similar. He has won awards from the National Institute of Mental Health and the National Council of Family Relations and has become the subject of increasing public fascination. A book he co-authored that summarizes his findings, , is a New York Times best-seller.His work took off because the consistency of his predictions is astonishing.“You get lots of stories of getting tricked,” William Jankowiak, an anthropologist who has extensively studied love in folktales, told me.
The woman, a then-35-year-old named Julie Schwartz, who'd placed a personal ad in the Seattle Weekly that John had answered, was turned on by John's humble little car—voted the ugliest vehicle in the University of Washington faculty parking lot—and his expansive curiosity.Once upon a time, in the Pony Expresso cafe in Seattle, a man and a woman began to experience the long-mysterious but increasingly scientifically investigated thing we call love.The first stage is called "limerence." This is the spine-tingling, heart-twisting, can't-stop-staring feeling, when it seems as though the world stops whirling and time itself bows down and pauses before the force of your longing.The article proposes a recipe for becoming a love “master” instead of a love “disaster” by responding the right way to what Gottman calls your partner's "bids for connection.” A “bid” is when your lover points out your kitchen window and marvels, "Look at that beautiful bird outside! ” and get binoculars (an active “turn-towards”); mumble “Huh," and keep reading your newspaper (a passive reaction, less good); or say, "I'm sick of your fucking birds. " Gottman found that masters turn towards their partners’ bids 87 percent of the time.Love, he concluded, comes down to "a habit of mind.” And habits of mind take work to instill.